No sooner had I formed the silent thought, “God, a people person. She better not speak to-” I heard this: “It’s not that bad.”
…”I’m sorry?” I said.
“I said, it’s not that bad”, and she gave me that frank, eyebrows up, let’s-be-real-here, look. “Whatever it is that happened, it can’t possibly be as bad as it looks on your face. How ‘bout trying on a smile for size. And if you’re all out, I’ve got one you can borrow.”
My first thought was, “It’s leaking out of me? People can see it?”
My second thought was, “Die, bitch.”
…Thank God the elevator doors were already open and she was on her way out as she finished yammering at me, but just to be on the safe side I reached forward and began stabbing the Door Close button.
Augusten Burroughs, about his encounter with badly time encounter with a perky woman in an elevator